It’s the little things that remind me of what I’m suppose to be doing, be grateful for, focus on, etc. I think, so often, I am looking for some big, hug ol’ sign that guides me to make choices. As if flashing lights and signs should appear for me to know the answer to my questions. But, more often than not, small things happen that show me my course of action.
Nico is 6 months old now. It has taken half a year for me to “get back” to myself – and I still don’t think I am quite back just yet. Just last week I was able to admit to my friends and husband that I am dealing with post-partum depression. Why did I wait so long? Because I’m a counselor who has counseled women on this topic, because I’m in denial, because I’m an idiot, because I want to appear to have it all together, because I don’t want my some to pick up on my emotions. It could be any of these reasons depending on the day.
Now, if you’ve ever had depression, you’re probably imagining me stuck in bed, not wanting to get out and see friends, crying all day long, not having the energy to shower, etc. But that’s not what is going on. It’s as simple as this: My. Hormones. Are. Nutso. Yep, that’s purely clinical terminology there, folks. But, seriously, its my hormones that haven’t returned. A dear friend asked if I could change anything in my life to make me happier what would it be. And, in all honesty, nothing. I recognize how good my life is, there is nothing I would change, my husband is amazing, my son is so stinkin’ perfect…. Well, with the exception that he never sleeps. So, lack of sleep does not help me in any way shape or form.
This is different. But, its the little things that keep me on course. It’s an old friend asking me out of the blue if I blog (Ugh, do I blog… I have A blog. Better get to work on it so I can say I blog!), its a friend who brought me coffee and a muffin one morning so I could pour my heart out, its another friend who is a seasoned mother and wife that was brave enough to ask me tough questions to get me talking in the first place, it’s my son’s face the first time he ever saw me cry that reminded me that I needed to care for myself so I can care for him. Its a prayer said for me that I didn’t even know about, a smile, a hug.
If you have ever had a child and you know the hormone roller coaster I speak of, God bless your heart. If it’s lasted until your child was 6 months or older I’d love to hear how you dealt with it.
Life is good. My hormones suck. But, most importantly, I still see this moment’s blessings.