As I look back over my 34 years of existence I can honestly say that almost nothing ever stayed the same. I have lived in 18 homes (11 with my family, 5 on my own and 2 with my husband) and nine cities. 17 jobs in 18 years. Growing up, money was not a constant. Where my family lived was fluid. Whether or not and where my Dad worked was always up in the air. I learned resiliency quickly and I learned to pray hard.
This lifestyle has been a blessing and a curse at times. It created a dreamer’s complex – if a situation was bad I would dream up how I wished it could be better and how I’d make it better. It helped me develop the ability to have a pity party then (somewhat) quickly dust myself off and keep going. I learned how to make the most of what I had – if you can’t buy new furniture just rearrange what you have in every single possible way.
The curse? It created a dreamer’s complex – I’m never satisfied with what is and am always plotting how I want things to change. It helped me develop the ability to have a pity party – I never gave honor to the pain I was feeling or that others I loved were feeling and I could leave them in the dust without a second thought. I learned to make the most of what I had – I tried to control every situation and make my own rational conclusions instead of allowing God to enter into the equation and Be.
Recently, my husband and I had conversation about how nothing is ever static and how it seems like it would be so peaceful and nice if life could just be predictable and calm. I just don’t know if “static” is a part of my make-up! I have been a SAHM for a total of 4 months. That is not a lot of time. For anyone. But, I am on the brink of the possibility of accepting a new job. That would make it job #18 in 18 years.
Why am I doing this to myself? My whole life… WHOLE LIFE… all I have ever wanted was to be in a position (of financial stability) where I could stay at home and raise my babies. Well, welcome to that dream! It’s here! Its bright and happy and creative and adorable and perfect. But so is this carrot dangling in front of me. And so I bite. And I regret. And then a take a bigger bite of the carrot until, it seems, I must have the whole dang thing.
I have many ideas of what God looks like… when I think of him watching over me. Often, I assume, his head is in his hands saying, “Why doesn’t she understand this by now!” I also presume he is laughing his butt off at my hope for change in my life whether it’s a new way to express my creativity, the desire for a new house, another vacation, moving back to Texas or another child. And, in the next breath, I pray for things to remain static. Predictable. No surprises.
I then I feel the nudge. I feel God’s presence reminding me the He is constant. He is predictable. He is and always will be unchanged. Then I draw a deep breath that fills every square inch of my lungs and fight back the tears and the guilt of still believing that it’s not enough.
I am a hungry soul. I hunger for the best conversations, meals, vacations, romantic moments, family pictures, games that will make my son bellow with the deepest laugh. I hunger to mean something to the people around me, to make a difference, have a purpose. I hunger. I ache.
Do you? What do you hunger for? What strips away the ability to accept amazing grace God desires to pour out on you every single moment of the day? Today, I will work on being still. When I pick up my son from school in 45 minutes I will be present with him where he is at and not frustrated that he is not where I want him to be. I will take delight that I have the ability to care for my home during the day instead of cramming in chores in the evening vs. spending time with my husband. And, most importantly, I will take the time to meet God in His word and in our gathering place of prayer.