Well, who ever you are that sent me the kind message that lit a fire under me to get back to this blog – thank you. You have no idea what impeccable timing you had. My son was 6 months old that last time I wrote. He is now 20 months old and more amazing than I ever thought. Motherhood is more amazing than I ever thought.
I’m not sure if this is a common feeling but I often see motherhood and the rest of my life as separate from each other. What I mean to say is, I think I safeguard my child in a way that is separate from the rest of existence. Is this motherly instinct? A way of protecting and preserving that which is most important to me? Maybe.
As great as its been being Nico’s Mom, it’s been a ridiculously tough year for me personally. Things change – I get it. But MAN! Can’t a woman get a break?!? As a therapist, I see many hearts broken, relationships severed, unhappiness, sadness, frustration, confusion… you name it. But I would venture to say that my personal life for the past year has been the toughest for me to deal with.
So, what is TMB? I really can’t say. God’s grace and protection more than anything I suppose. It seems that every month in 2013 started out with me saying, “Maybe this month will be better.” And it ended with me saying, “Maybe next month will be better.” But it hasn’t been. At. All.
Now, this is not me throwing a pity party. Believe me, I did that in January when I had my first miscarriage. I did that in February when I had to terminate an employee that I genuinely liked. I did that in March when my Dad got ran over with a tractor and my parent’s house caught on fire and then we had to put their dog down (true story, I kid you not). I also had a brief pity party in April when I found out my heart condition grew a tiny bit worse (nothing to really worry about as this is the first time its happened in my entire life).
I know, it sure sounds like a pity party. But, here we are at the end of May… just when I thought I actually would get a “happy” month. I had a lovely trip to Texas to see family, the weather has been getting warmer, I planted some beautiful flowers… and **BOOM**!!! The biggest bomb that has ever rocked my world occurred. So, big that I am not ready to share it or even sure if I ever will. So, let’s refer to this as “the biggest bomb” moving forward.
Sheesh… what a depressing post. I am sure that the sweet person who encouraged me to write again is banging their head against the computer key board right about now. But, let’s see if I can salvage this…
God is good. When everything else in our life seems madly out of control. When it feels like we are living in a really bad dream or we are just waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out telling us we’ve been punked. When we feel like the only way out is to run and hide and pretend like nothing every happened… and yet we stay put. We resolve that God’s ways are better than ours and we begin to feel His presence washing over us, guiding us and protecting us. Then, we remember, again, just how amazing our God is.
I really felt/feel that I am at a point where if any other bombs get dropped or anything changes negatively I might just crumble into a pile of dust. And then my Savior reminds me that He’s got my back, He is my strength. And I can be still knowing that truth.
I am a romantic in the sense that I always believe things will work out for the best – whatever that means. That, at the end of my life, I will look back and be pleased with what God has done in my life. Life might have shaken me this year but I am holding steady. Thanks to God, thanks to my best friend Jennifer.
Here’s to more optimistic posts. This might just be the therapy that gets me through.
Be Strong. Be Brave. Be Still.